Right now? Not good.
Because I have good meds and a service dog to help me navigate the social world, many people presume I don’t have any problems with mental illness anymore. Again, not true!
I do have excellent meds; a regimen that we worked out together over a period of about five to six years — my psych nurse and I. And without question, Hunter keeps my feet on the ground and my mind centered. But there are times, like now, when all of these aids just aren’t enough.
What does it feel like for me? It feels completely unhinged. The fact that I can write this pleases me. In fact, so far it seems to be helping me. Sometimes I feel like I need the security of the hospital. But I am not self-destructive at this moment. But, see how screwy my thinking is? I don’t have to be self-destructive to benefit from the hospital. It would be a safe place to regain my equilibrium.
I feel a bit paranoid. If I were not in my kitchen typing this out on my kitchen table, I would be so distracted by paranoia so as not to be able to write a coherent sentence.
I feel anxious. A condition that I am sure that last cup of caffeine hasn’t helped. Will I make it through today? What does it mean to make it through the day? As I re-read these last couple of sentences, I’m clicking my fingernails over my teeth, something I didn’t realize I was doing until I reflected on what I am trying to say.
Is it OK to call my therapist? I’m not important enough to call her. She has other clients to whom she needs to tend. I would only be an unwelcome ex-client.
Unlike the stuff I have written about so far, I do not feel overwhelmed by depression. Of course, I am a bit depressed that I am having an episode but, like I said, I do not feel ready to self-harm. I’m not that depressed — yet. When I’m really depressed, I don’t feel any pain when I harm myself. It feels more like a relief.
My body reacts to this too. My jaw feels so tight that I have a massive headache. Four ibuprofen. I hope it cuts the pain down a bit. I’m shaking inside. My hands, I notice while typing this, are not shaking. Just my gut, my diaphragm, and most disturbingly, my brain are shaking. Even my scalp hurts. Probably the muscles from my clenched jaw.
I have to tell myself, since I am alone right now, not to over-medicate.
I hope this makes sense. I probably won’t do a very good job of self-editing given my current state. I feel better having written this. It has helped to line out what is haywire and, therefore, given me a place to begin sorting out the “grass from the gravel.” I wish and hope for all of you to have a blessed night of rest. Send me good wishes and happy thoughts, if you feel so moved.